Let me give you the scoop on how Fairytale Land works. There aren’t that many Kings, Emperors and Princes to go around. What we do have a lot of are Jacks. Be Nimble, In the Beanstalk, Jill’s ex who went up and over the hill, and that health nut Jack Spratt. Also there’s a decent amount of Wolf men, Beastie boys, Elves and Elvish impersonators, not to mention Trolls, Giants, Bears, and a variety of Step-relatives. Good selection, right? Not so much. We fairytale heroines have to compete with all sorts of enchanted beings, not to mention Wood Sprites and Wood Nymphs – and we all know what they’re like. This is kinda why we all end up being more or less related to one another.
Don’t believe me? Well, Snow White, Red Riding Hood, and Beauty Belle are all half-sister, from just a few of Mother Goose’s many marriages. If they tell you that a goose mates for life – well, that don’t play in Fairytale Land. The 3 aforementioned damsels are also my cousins – and maybe half-sisters. I don’t know, none of us can figure out how Auntie Goose’s pregnancies work. And yes, I said Auntie Goose. She’s Mom Hubbard’s sister.
So, pray tell, why is one (or more) of these fairytale femmes half-sis to me? You see, Auntie Goose stole Mom Hubbs’ fiancé, Jack in the Beanstalk. After the Goose got him, married him, laid a couple of eggs by him – Mommy H. stole the sucker back from her sister. Trouble is, Jackie B wasn’t worth a hill of beans. Hence Mother Hubbard’s bare cupboards. The two of them have been at each other’s throats forever.
Yep. Fairytale Land is pretty messed up.